10/4/24: It's been ages since I last updated! I've been pretty busy with the new school year and my friends. we've been going to concerts lately, which has been really fun. A couple weeks ago, we went to see suicideboys and earlier this week we saw Korn and Gojira!! It's been one of my favorite concerts I've been to. Korn had an encore and at the end they shot off some streamers, which I kept some as a souvenir. I think someday I might use some of it for a necklace. People have been trying to start drama again, which did piss me off at first, but I just don't care at this point. All of it went down in april and may, and I've moved on, but its clear some people haven't. Other than 5 or 6 people, nobody gives a fuck about it anymore. They tried to get me in trouble back in may (it didn't even work!) and they can't do shit about it now. I've thought about it and its probably from insecurity, an addiction to drama, or they just don't have anything better to do. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't have anything to do with me. They will probably read this since they cannot leave me alone or mind their business, so I'll leave them some advice: Move on, focus on yourselves and go to therapy. It's not normal to get this upset over someone calling you obnoxious 5 months ago. Nobody gives a fuck anymore except yall. If yall think im so terrible, why do you care so much about my website and what I'm doing? I've been doing great since May, and I've got better things to worry about. Keep yapping about me all you want, just know that this shit is pointless.

7/6/2024: I have loved being on vacation and seeing my family again, but I get really sad thinking about having to leave them. I really think this is the worst part about growing up and living on your own. I want to live on my own, but living so far away from my family feels so isolating. It reminds me that the world is really big, and how alone I am. It's even worse now that my friends are all gone for the summer as well. I think I'd feel better if I just put my time into working cuz that would keep me busy and I could meet people that way. I have been praying that I get this job at a restaurant close to campus so hopefully it will work out. If not, I will keep searching for work because I will actually lose my marbles if I sit around in my room any longer. I find myself daydreaming about working at this restaurant somewhat frequently, how I will present myself to others, how nice it will be to crawl into bed after a long shift. I also really want to give back to my community and families struggling overseas. If I am privileged enough to have a bed and room to sleep in and a job to go to, I know I can spare some extra money to those who are even less fortunate. I want to be able to share joy and comfort to people around me. In all of these daydreams about working, I am greeting customers with eye contact, a warm smile and I am wearing a cross necklace. It's an image of myself that is not entirely impossible, but will take dedication and work to achieve. That version of Eli is kind and responsible, he goes to church each sunday and donates to the food pantry. He works hard at his job each day and he isn't afraid to talk to people. The hard part is figuring out what steps I need to make to become that Eli.

6/15/24: I don't feel super well today, I haven't really had the motivation to do much. I did clean my room yesterday, but I still feel lazy. I just manage to convince myself that I'm a bad person regardless of what I do. I can almost hear my therapist telling me the opposite, but it's really hard to believe her sometimes. I just feel like a waste of space. I hate how I just let my fears take over and control me, keep me trapped in my room.

6/9/2024: Things are good today! It's finally raining for once, so I have my window open to hear the thunder. I got to stand under the rain with a good friend of mine. I really feel alive today. I feel like that's been more rare for me as of late, but I appreciate it even more now. I talked to one of my roommates more as well, which is also nice. I have high hopes for this summer, I think it'll be fun. This new medication has been really helpful to me, I have been updating my site much more now. I just can't wait to see my family and my boyfriend again. I miss them so much. I think over the course of this year so far I have found a new kind of gratitude for my life. It definitely hasn't been perfect, but even in some of the worst of it, good things have come out of it. I'm thankful for my family, boyfriend, friends, all of it. I'm thankful to just live on this planet, in it's incredible beauty. It's not always easy to remember the beauty of life and how much of a gift it is, but I think my medication helps me with that.

6/5/2024: I feel a bit better currently, I feel a little more secure in my future knowing I can make a solid plan with my therapist. I finally have solid dates of when I can go back to visit my family, which I am most excited for! Unfortunately I still have to wait two and a half more weeks. I also got to see one of my very good friends yesterday! I had a fantastic time. I think working on this website and collaging really help me. I went for a follow up appointment with my doctor today, and I got my blood drawn. It still hurts a little. I have also been very invested in watching house, which makes me feel better. I think I might want to start a second website to host a webcomic sometime.

5/29/24: Things are pretty much stagnant. I have a therapist and different medication now, but my life just still feels so empty. I feel ashamed that I just let my anxiety control me and keep me inside all day. I feel like such a disappointment to my family. I would do anything just to be a different person. It's hard listening to my therapist when she tells me I am good enough, I know I should trust and listen to her, but part of me still thinks that isn't true. I would like to go leave my campus, but I am absolutely terrified to. When I'm anxious, the world feels like it's falling apart,I feel like I'm falling apart. It's that very fear of things going wrong that controls me, keeps me from reaching my full potential. I've had several people in my life tell me to look back on what I've accomplished this last school year, but it's still not enough. I need to be more.

5/8/24: Summer is creeping closer day by day and im stressed honestly. I'm happy I don't have to deal with my obnoxious fucking roommate anymore, but some of my best friends are moving for the summer. I'm not really looking forward to things changing at all, but what choice do I have? I really need to talk to a counselor, but I find it so hard to. I am just mentally exhausted. I am grateful for my real friends though, I just had to experience some tough situations to realize which people in my life were fake.

4/29/24: Lately I've just been feeling this deep rooted unhappiness with myself, like everyday I feel like I just wasted all of my time. Anything I do still isn't good enough for myself, and yet I feel like there's a brick wall of anxiety and fear that walls me in from the rest of the world. So I am always dissatisfied, but I can't do anything to make that go away. I feel like a disappointment to my family. Even something as fun as updating this website has become something of a chore, lately, I feel like it's never good enough, and I am always worried of other's judgement. It sucks. I guess at this point I'm hoping my medication will make me feel better.